Red to Green…

So about that red flag…its green now. I don’t think I’ve ever had more green flags in all my life.

I spent every waking (and sleeping) second with Jacob this weekend. From after work Friday until he dropped me off at home this Monday morning. We spent the entire weekend on cloud 9, making love and cuddling and hanging out with friends and family. We honestly should not even be in public right now because the world will vomit at our gooshiness. We’ve got it bad. Like really bad.

So they say the science behind cloud nine is that your body releases endorphins that make you feel all gushy and happy, which is addicting, causing you to want to see the person again and again. Well I’m in a bathtub full of endorphins and I just want to bathe in it till the end of time.

Ok but science and gooshiness aside…let’s talk logistics for a minute.

1. Jacob is a family man. His parents are still together, he grew up in a big close family filled with love and compassion. This is huge to me. All my exes had fucked up childhoods and it really affected how they behave in a relationship. I know this man (like me) was provided all the love and support he needed to develop a strong and healthy mind.

2. Jacob is a communicator! He has zero problem expressing his feelings, wants and needs. He speaks constructively and logically which is so important to me. I am a communicator myself so when my exes were so unable to do it, I was left frustrated and disappointed.

3. Jacob is a selfless man. A people pleaser. He has dedicated a large part of his life to  traveling the world helping those in need and that passion to serve others spills out all over our relationship. He treats me like a queen and I want nothing more than to treat him like a king. I want to put his needs before my own. I want to show him I will not be selfish like all his exes were. I want to spoil him rotten. We are going to have a selfless relationship.

4. He’s an extrovert like me! He loves people. All people. And enjoys being around my friends and family as much as I enjoy being around his. One less thing to cause conflict!

5. His relationship with God is no longer a concern for me. He’s quite a rebel from the church actually, refusing to conform to all their rules and limitations. He is a free man and does what he feels is right to him.  His heart is pure and he knows that is all God cares about. He has also proven to me that he has zero interest in trying to force me into believing anything. He’s so care free about it and just wants me to be who I am. I also would never want to change his beliefs. God drives him to do so much good. Why would anyone want to take that away from him? It’s actually becoming something I endear about him.

So I know this blog post is probably boring to any of my readers. I know this isn’t a dating shenanigan. I know this blog is coming to an end. But I wanted to write one last post to show my happy ending. Who knows…maybe I’ll be back. Too soon to tell where this relationship will go…but I am pretty certain wherever that is, it will be with him and I together. So for now…I will say farewell.

I don’t want to stop writing. I will think of a new topic of shenanigans to join this new chapter of my life.

Peace out ya’ll.

 

 

 

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Ignoring the Red Flag

Ok so a new boy has surfaced. Let’s call him Jacob. He’s cute, an excellent communicator, quite attentive and wonderfully adventurous.

He’s a world traveler, has a non-profit organization and goes to third world countries, doing humanitarian work. This appeals to me…ALOT! My adventurous nature is screaming to grab onto this one and join him in his travels!

But there’s a catch. He’s religious. And I’m not. He’s progressive though, very liberal at least…but still…extremely spiritual. Like so spiritual that he told me some things I have not been able to put out of my mind.

My gazillion questions about his travels led me to expose some interesting stories. He told me when he went to indigenous villages in Africa, he and his companions were the first white people they had ever seen. He said they had heard stories of white men who heal. Apparently, the people would come to them begging to be healed. So Jacob would say prayers for them. And yup…he claims they healed.   He told me about a time a woman threw her son in his arms, legs fragile and destroyed by Polio. So he said a prayer, not thinking it would work but the next morning he saw the boy running in circles with mom crying tears of happiness on the sidelines. He also told me about the time a woman could suddenly hear after he said a prayer for her. To top it off, he told me he witnessed black magic, said he saw a woman levitating with nothing around her.

Ok I know what you are thinking…this is crazy. I didn’t even know how to react to this stuff. I don’t believe in ghosts or any kind of paranormal activity. Never have. But for some reason, the way he spoke of it, it didn’t seem that crazy. Maybe I’m just thinking with my vagina here. That is entirely possible. But he was very aware of how crazy it sounded and admitted that these miracles may not have been the grace of God. He understood that the human body is an amazing thing and possibly could do anything if the mind truly believed it could. All he knew was that it was happening. That he was helping people.

The question is this…do I believe him?Well…idk. I definitely do not think he is blatantly lying to me. He seems to have such wonderful honest character and it’s not like he was bragging about it. I pretty much dragged it out of him. One thing I know is I do not believe God has given him healing powers. I want to find the science behind it. He could have been fooled into believing this woman was levitating when she was really just doing a magic trick. Also, can the human body really conquer illness via the placebo affect? This could explain the lady with hearing loss but not the toddler’s legs. That’s what I keep getting stuck on. The mother was the believer, not the child.

And that’s where I choose to just ignore it. I don’t want to let this guy go. I want to see him again. But is this a red flag? Should I be running in the opposite direction? Maybe…maybe not. Somebody please tell me if this should matter more to me than it currently does lol!

For now…I’ve had 2 dates, some lovely make out sessions and another date planned for this weekend. I have a feeling the sex will be good with this one. If I go down that path, he may get his hook in me that much deeper. The red flag will only get more and more blurry…

Gentleman, my ass!

Remember Jeff? The southern gentleman from Texas that I made the mistake of sleeping with? The one who, despite being a one night stand, still treated me like a lady and took me out on a proper date the following week and didn’t try to have sex with me because he wanted to show me he respected me as more than just a quick lay?  Yea…he has a girlfriend now.  He called me to let me know, which again, is very honorable blah blah. I thanked him for being honest and we said a kind goodbye. That was that.

I just can’t help but feel like a fool.  Here, I thought, he didn’t try to sleep with me out of respect to me. But the truth is, he did it out of respect to the girl he was pursuing back home. Not me. I’m pretty much just fucking chopped liver.

So the truth about sex on a first date stands. Don’t do it. Men will not respect you if you do. It may be subconscious but that’s how they roll.

Penis pics 🙄

So I was just having a nice chat with a cute guy on pof. He asked me if I could chat on kik. If you don’t know what it is, it’s a messenger app. Why do people use messenger apps anyway? How is it different than chatting on the dating sites or better yet, why not just text?? Don’t get it! But maybe I’m just being lame. So I figured I’d get the app and see what all the hype’s about. As expected, it was pretty lame. Except for one thing. 

This guy sends me a message on kik, and the first thing I notice is that his profile pic was a fully nude pic! I’m talking “head to knees, standing side ways, with a hard on” nude.  Not sure what he was so proud of. His dick was an ok size but nothing special and he was super skinny. No boobs at all. I hate that. I hardly even looked at his Benji, my eyes went straight to how scrawny he was. Ugh. Can’t do skinny boys. But all that shallow shit aside, I was more annoyed than anything else by the simple fact that he was displaying this pic in the first place. How does he think I’m going to respond?!

Silly boy…do you really think girls want to see that shit?? Just a heads up guys…this does not turn us on AT ALL! 

Oh well…next!

Being Single…

99% of the time, I am happy and loving my life. But every now and then, I have moments of loneliness…where my desire for love sheds tears down my cheeks. I enable it by listening to love songs, allowing it to consume me for about an hour. I give myself a chance to feel the therapeutic release of emotion…and then I wipe my eyes, I pick my head up and I continue with my life.

Society is Wrong…Men ARE Emotional.

Time and time again I hear people discuss how women are emotional creatures and men are not. Men are driven by physical intimacy and women are not. And time and time again, my life experiences have proven this to not be true.

I AM driven by emotional intimacy. But so are they. They ARE driven by physical intimacy. But so am I. Come the fuck on…do you really think every man I have slept with has satisfied my emotional needs? LOL ummm no. I have a vagina and sometimes it tingles. I get horny, just as they do. But on the flip side…I have also seen men completely emotionally vulnerable. When I have seen the tears come down a man’s face because he knows this is the last time he will ever hold me again, you cannot tell me men are not driven by emotion.  When a man is so consumed with emotion, unable to properly compartmentalize what he is feeling, that he lashes out in illogical ways at subjects unrelated to the cause…do not tell me men are not driven by emotion.

Last night, I began texting with Joe, a handsome, witty, intelligent man. This is how our conversation started. It is irrelevant but I’ll share because it’s fun 🙂

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Fun right? Well anyway, we eventually switched to text and we pretty much did not stop texting from 9pm until 1:30 in the morning.  It turns out Joe has as much of an interest in social psychology as I do. Our conversation was intriguing, powerful and insightful.  We spent a long time talking about people and their behaviors. Then the conversation went like this…

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Even though he understood my point, he still excused it as something he learned…as though most men are unable to do it. Which, don’t get me wrong, I am sure his ability to understand women’s emotions far exceeds that of other men (he had done a lot of reading on this stuff and was quite knowledgeable), but the tendency to be emotionally driven…I believe he shares this with most men and likely always did.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do think there is a category of men that are less likely to allow themselves to get close enough to a woman for these emotions to surface. These are your classic commitment issue type of guys. Like the Europeans in my last post who refuse to allow the conversations to escalate to a level of regularity and predictability. These men are much less likely to let their walls down and most likely won’t get farther than a couple of fun flirty conversations. I do believe their walls can be penetrated though…just not so easily.  I, personally, have not had much interaction with these type of men. If there isn’t daily intellectual conversation, I get bored and leave. I need a man willing to give me enough attention that I am not questioning their level of interest. I guess this leads me back to why I end up with dependent, mentally unstable men. As in my previous posts lol. This is where I always get stuck!

Well, thanks for reading. Hopefully I have another date to write about soon 🙂

To Cling or Not to Cling…

What the fuck is up the Europeans lately? Zdenek, Zlatin, Sven…I shouldn’t be using their real names but they are fun to say so I’m gonna. Who gives a shit anyway? They are never gonna see this.  So I am definitely seeing similarities here. They are all, as Amy Schumer would put it, hot as balls, and they all have financially stable sophisticated man jobs. Not gonna lie. This appeals to me. And not because I am some gold digging bitch, but single income in the bay area is rough. I don’t need a sugar daddy but it sure would be nice to have a second income around here!  Unfortunately, none of them are fully latching onto me.  Apparently these boys (along with many others) do not understand the importance of the good morning/goodnight text. They just contact me whenever they feel like it, with large gaps in between. This doesn’t work for me. Like all areas of my life, I need to see progress, I want a relationship that will evolve into a more serious one over time. Where is the end game in this “just randomly text whenever you feel like it” type of relationship? I know…many of you are thinking “Well duh, the end game is the random booty call.” Ok sure, you are probably right. So, is it safe to assume that guys who are not willing to text or call regularly, and in a predictable manner, do not want a serious relationship?

Or am I just being too needy? This could very well explain my history of men with mental health issues.  The mentally unstable men CLING. They love me so much. They give me all the fucking attention I need.  No games. No question marks. I can always count on a good morning and a goodnight text. Cloud 9 is fun! But eventually we come back to the ground and the honeymoon phase ends. This is when their mind starts fucking things up. Depression, anxiety, negativity…no thank you! Bye Felicia!

Ok…so let’s assume I am too needy. I have made a conscious decision not to cling to the clingers because they are crazy. So I need to learn how to build a relationship with a non-clinger. I guess this is where I get stuck because how am I suppose to know how interested a guy is if he doesn’t cling to me?? Ugh…I guess this is why I am single.  I’ll just have more meaningless dates to pass the time until I find my mentally stable clingy non-clinger.

Speaking of dates, I had one on Wednesday.

Jeff, my southern gentleman…oh the thought of Jeff makes me smile. But he lives in Texas so I am not allowed to get attached. Jeff works with Steve. Steve is my friend, my neighbor, and like a brother to me. He is the first person I contact when I have news or slutty affairs I need to vent about so he knows everything about me. And no, Steve and I don’t like each other like that. No we have never banged and we never will. This is hard for some to believe, but it’s true! Ok, so Jeff travels here for work projects. About 6 weeks ago or so, Steve invited Jeff and some other coworkers out to the bar across the street from our house. I joined them and sure enough, Jeff and I hit it off. Some how he ended up in my bed god damnit.

The next morning, he tells me he’d like to take me out to a proper dinner someday. Then he leaves and goes back to TX. Classic one night stand that left me feeling ashamed for having meaningless sex.  I figured the next time he is in town, if he contacts me, I would not respond. After all, I am not going to be anyone’s booty call. Yes I love sex so yes, sex happens. That I get. But planning to JUST have meaningless sex is a totally different ballgame that I am not comfortable with.

Weeellll…last week he contacted me. At first I didn’t respond but about 24 hours later, I got bored and caved in. He told me he owed me a proper date and wanted to take me out to dinner. What the hell…what harm can dinner do? And I appreciated that, despite being such an easy lay last time, he still wanted to treat me like a lady. So, I accepted and asked him if he wanted to join Steve and I at our bar for trivia night (Our team name is Hot as Balls) after we had dinner. He thought that was a great idea! Start with a nice one on one dinner and then switch to a casual social outing with friends….sounded perfect to me. And I swore to myself I would not sleep with him this time! So throughout the week, we had been texting…some good conversation. He even mentions the possibility of getting hired full time at this location, in which case he would move out here, which opens my heart to him a little more. My opinion about him just wanting me as a booty call started changing. A good man lies behind this one night stand after all. He even goes as far as approaching Steve at work to let him know he’s taking me out to dinner and wanted to assure him he had honorable intentions and is not just trying to get me in the sack. Apparently he said very nice things about me and appears to respect me enough to get my best friend’s blessing lol.  Either this guy is just damn good at the game or he actually sees me as more than just a piece of ass.

So Wednesday came, and as I expected, he was a total gentleman the whole time. Little things like placing his hand on the small of my back and my hand on the back of his neck while he drove sparked chemistry. We had a wonderful dinner date and then Trivia was equally as fun.  So when it was time to go, he drove me home (across the street lol). He stepped out of his car, gave me a lovely kiss and said goodnight. And then he left! Total gentleman! 2 days later, he goes back to Houston. And just like that, he’s gone again.

He told me he wants to call me some time next week, which is sweet. He’s definitely not clingy, no good morning texts, no regular predictable communication. But what can I expect…he lives in TX. How can I expect anything to even come of this? I guess I will just go about my life and see what happens the next time he comes into town. He will be here for 2 full weeks the beginning of February. To be continued…

 

 

The Super Date

So I’m currently sitting in stale water. No new boys in the pool. Not dates planned for the future. However, I enjoyed writing my last 2 blog entries so much, I just really wanted to do more.

So…I’m gonna take you back to 5 years ago, right after my divorce, to a particular date that I have never forgotten.

When I got divorced, I was many things. Was it difficult? Yes but only because of what it was doing to my children. As for my own personal feelings about it all, I had never been happier!  I was free for the first time after 12 years with a controlling husband and I was finally able to enjoy sex for the first time after 12 years of terrible sex (he was my first and only until we divorced at age 30). That’s a complicated story for another time, but the point is I suddenly found out sex was awesome, after fearing for 12 years I would never enjoy it. This, combined with suddenly having no kids 50% of the time, let’s just say I cut loose. I call it my slut phase. Last thing I wanted was a relationship! I was like a bird let out of her cage! Day 1, my friend got me on a dating site and I didn’t waste any time! I made a very honest profile, explaining exactly why I do not want a relationship and was just interested in going out and having a good time without restrictions. So here’s one date in particular that I still look back on to this day as one of the best dates I’ve ever had.

It was a Saturday…late morning. I had a date planned for that evening with Nick, who I had not met yet. In the meantime, I started chatting with Brian. Turns out Brian lived only like a mile away. Not to mention he was a total hottie.  I really wanted to see him in person.  So, I tell him I’m going to the coffee shop down the street to get coffee for my roommate and asked him if he wanted to join me. He said yes, and next thing we know we are sitting at the coffee shop having excellent conversation. Omg I was so attracted to him. And the chemistry was mutual! When we finished coffee, Brian says to me “I don’t want this to be over. Wanna go bowling?” Of course, I said yes and we decided he would follow me home, we would give my roommate her coffee and then go in his car to the bowling alley. While driving in separate cars, I quickly called Nick and cancelled our date for that night. So we walk into the house and here’s where I screw up. I introduced Brian to my roommate as Nick. Yup. Wrong name. But here’s the funny thing. Brian doesn’t say a word. He shakes her hand and we go on with our date like everything is perfect.

The chemistry was so hot, you could probably see steam coming off of us. When we arrived at our lane, Brian asks me to enter the names. He was testing me. Let’s see what name she puts on the scoreboard. Do you think I put the right name? Nope. I wrote Nick right on there. And did he say a word? Nope! He just let me continue to make an ass of myself. None the less, we flirted and bowled for like 3 hours. Here’s a little trick I learned from Brian about how to make bowling dates more fun that I still use to this day. He says to me “Ok this frame, we bowl with our bad hands,” then later “now this frame, spin around 3 times before you bowl.” He had a bunch of fun little ways to bowl and the way he took charge and initiated fun ideas was super hot. So eventually we had to stop bowling and he looks at me and says “I still don’t want this to end, wanna go to the movies?” and of course I said yes! By this point, I was putty in his hands. I would have done anything he asked me to do lol.

When we arrived at the movie theater, we chose a movie that wasn’t playing for like an hour so we decide to play in the arcade, which was also lots of fun. By this time, I wanted him to kiss me…he was so fucking cute. But he didn’t. He was a total gentleman. After we sat down in the theater, I made a potty run. While sitting on the toilet, I pulled out my phone and started looking through my texts. It was at that moment that I realized I had been calling him by the wrong name all along!! Omg I was horrified. So I go back, sit next to him and I said “Your name is Brian…not Nick. I know this. I’m so sorry.” He told me it’s ok and was very understanding. I asked him why he never corrected me and he said “Everything was going so perfect. I didn’t want to make things awkward.” Can you believe this man?  Could he have answered that any better?! Where did he come from and why did he have to come into my life when the only thing I knew was that I could not be in a relationship! Well…at this point, I was just going to enjoy his company and worry about everything else later. I think we may have held hands in the movie, I’m not sure. I just know we didn’t make out and frankly, I was really hoping we would.

After the movie, he took me home and walked me to the door. We both agreed it was a wonderful date and wanted to see each other again. He gives me a hug and he leaves. No kiss. If there was ever such thing as a female version of blue balls, this was it. I could feel the tingles of my vajajay all the way up to the pit of my stomach. We texted sweet nothings to each other until it was time for bed and I slept on Cloud 9 that night.

Date 2 was just as wonderful, however I cannot remember where we went. All I remember is at the end of it, he still didn’t kiss me. I was going to lose my mind. The anticipation was so intense, it was killing me.

Date 3, now this one I remember. We walked to a nearby park and played in the playground. We swang on the swings and had some great meaningful conversations. Plus…he finally kissed me. From that point on, we were hooked. Even though we knew we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, we sure acted like it. We were so cheesy, I remember one time he wrote a note that said “I really like you. Do you like me too? Circle yes or no.” He took a pic of it and texted me the pic. Did I find it cheesy? No. I was all googly eyed. I printed the pic out, circled yes with a pen, took a pic and sent it back. This is how bad we had it!  Now, this is the part that is hard to  share because my current state of mind would never do this. Despite how crazy about him I was, I also was deathly afraid of how attached I was getting. I wasn’t ready for that! I forced myself to go on other dates. And I was honest about it with Brian. He was so understanding at the beginning but as we got more and more attached, I think he eventually realized I wasn’t going to change my mind and so he decided to distance himself from me. And I don’t blame him. Looking back, I cannot believe I was so cold. So caught up in my own emotions that I completely disregarded his as equally as important. To this day, I feel guilt about that. I have a hard time understanding my state of mind back then because nowadays, I’m so the opposite. There isn’t anything I want more than to find a connection like that again and be with that person for the rest of my life.

But what brings me joy is seeing that Brian found his happiness. He moved closer to his kids so he can be with them more and he found the love of his life and they seem very happy on Facebook. I really hope they are. He deserves it…such a good guy!

Dear Brian…if you ever read this, please know how sorry I am for the way I treated you.  I will always remember you fondly.

Oh…and from that day forward, my friends and I always used the term “Super Date” to refer to an awesome date that doesn’t stop because 2 people are enjoying each other so much. These are very rare.

Oops I did it again…

Disclaimer: All men’s names are changed for privacy’s sake.

When I woke up this morning, with this man that I do not really find attractive lying next to me, the first thing that came to my mind was Britney Spears. ..

This week, I had a few different online dating guys that I was talking to and had not met yet.

Billy, the super cute and fun one, who I was most excited about, seemed equally as excited to meet me. If you had seen this guy’s body, you would be wondering like I was, why the heck wouldn’t he be going after a girl in better shape??? This guy could catch at least an 8 or 9.  But he said “You are exactly my type! Shorty with curves and a beautiful face! Sign me up!” He even told me to never worry about what I eat because he loved a thick girl. I couldn’t help but get the impression he wanted to stuff me like a turkey before Thanksgiving. None the less, I was relishing in the compliments and looking forward to some good physical chemistry.  All week we were looking forward to our date on Friday (yesterday), until Thursday night when things went south in a quick minute! We were on the phone, when a very tiny irrelevant miscommunication made him overly aggravated and extremely defensive. He went from super desirable to bat shit crazy in the blink of an eye. Boom…just like that, I suddenly realized why he couldn’t score the 9s. The hot/crazy scale applies to men too. Actually, I don’t give a shit how hot you are, if you have mental health issues, I’m gonna run like the wind. Later, I will touch base on how many mentally unstable men I have dated. It’s my pattern. I’m like the classic case of the “stable woman that thinks she can rescue them” type of girl. It’s bullshit I know. I’m working on it. Now, when I see bat shit crazy, I run.  Which is exactly what I did with hottie potottie here. See…I’m growing 🙂

Well fuck…now here I was on a Friday with no plans. So I call my friends…nobody bites. So that’s where Joey came into play. We had been chatting for about a week. Less attractive but I really enjoyed the way conversation went. He seemed like a super cool guy! This is where I get myself in trouble. I convince myself not to be superficial and give the guy a chance based on his personality. This never works. I hate that I am shallow, but I am. I am really sorry if this makes me a bad person. So be it, I cannot help it. But I never learn my lesson, I always try again. So when Joey asked me what I was doing, of course I told him “Oh just twiddling my thumbs, trying to think of something to do.” I’ve never been very subtle. So, sure enough, next thing I know he is on his way from San Jose. We had both eaten already so we decided just to meet for a drink. Now…I’ve been around the dating scene long enough to know that it is never a good idea to just “go for drinks” on a first date, especially when one person lives half an hour away. We all know where this can lead. And yet, I do it anyway because I think I have better self-control than I do.

So, he arrives and the first thing I notice is 1) he has a fairly cute face but 2) he had an oddly large belly in comparison to the rest of him. I mean…I have no room to talk. I have a belly. But this was like the size of one of those humongous exercise balls. Ok…maybe a little smaller than that but you get my point.  So we go inside and I quickly realize that we are having awesome conversation, laughing our asses off and having a great time. We played darts, which got quite flirty, and at one point after a good laugh, he just pulled me in and gave me a very intense first kiss. He told me this is the best date he’s ever had and filled me with compliments all night.  I could tell he was hooked (sorry to sound arrogant!).  And frankly, I was having just as much fun. I just wasn’t quite past the physical attraction part.  It was holding me back just a little, but not enough to not enjoy flirting and kissing and laughing though.  Many drinks later, I realized he should not be driving home to San Jose so I told him he could sleep on my couch.  I know that seems silly but I was trying to avoid going all the way. I knew if we snuggled, we’d end up banging. Long story short, we ended up banging.

Now, here’s the thing. There is a very fine line between being attracted enough to someone that you enjoy flirting and kissing, and being attracted enough to someone that you enjoy having sex with them.  I know for a lot of you men, it doesn’t work that way, you could just bang anything and it will still feel good if you can manage to get it up…but for girls, it’s different. We need the chemistry! My problem is, though, that I so badly want the flirty/kissing attraction to be enough to make the sexual attraction real, that I rarely know until it is too late that this is not the case.

So, as soon as we started having sex, I knew right away I was going to have to dump this guy in the morning.  One thing I cannot do is stay with a man I do not enjoy having sex with. Total deal-breaker for me. He was so invested too! All night he snuggled me like I was his favorite teddy bear, telling me how amazing I am and all I could think about is how terrible I felt that I led him on. Oops…I did it again.

Oh…I left out a very important detail.  While laying in bed after sex, he mentions a medication he takes. Lexapro. I know this medication. My bipolar ex took it! It’s a mood stabilizer! Remember what I said about attracting the mentally unstable? Yup! Another one! WTF! However, the good news is now I had a solid excuse to give him, other than I really just don’t like having sex with you.  I told him my past is too strong to ignore and I cannot risk dating another person that takes mental health medication and I acknowledged the fact that could likely be misjudging him and apologized for doing so. He was very mature about his response and I appreciated his ability to not attack me, despite my rejection.

 

Well…guess neither of them were the one. Next!

 

 

Popping My Blog Cherry

I spend a lot of time dating.  A lot of time thinking about dating, talking about dating, texting with guys I know I will never actually want to date, and hoping the ones I want to date will ask me out on a date.  I would say it consumes about 20% of my life. So I’m gonna write about it. I love to write and this is the part of my life that will have the most crude, adult humor in it, which frankly, is why you may actually give a shit to read it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. Love my job, love my friends, love my family…but here’s the thing. My kids are shipped off to their dad’s house 50% of the time, most of my friends have their own lives and don’t want to hang out with me nearly as much as I want to hang out with them, and my job only consumes about 55 hours of my life a week.  Most normal people see the downtime as valuable alone time.  I, on the other hand, have this constant desire to always be in the company of other human beings.  We can blame that on a number of things.

I am the youngest of 5 children (all of us very close in age) and never spent a second of my childhood alone. Then, before exiting adolescence, I was pregnant and married to my high school sweetheart, leaving no time in between to become my own individual or whatever you wanna call it.  Whatever the reason, I hate being alone.  And don’t give me all that psychoanalysis bullshit about needing to learn to be happy alone before I can ever be happy with someone else blah blah. I’m fucking happy. I don’t cry in my pillow every night because I think my life sucks. I just don’t like being alone. It’s that simple.  I don’t sulk.  I find things to do, whether it be spending time with friends or dating or whatever I want.

Don’t pity me. Just enjoy my stories because they have certainly entertained me.  I must warn you, I am going to sound slutty at times and probably a bit arrogant. I have no intention of hiding anything or sugar coating it to make me seem more innocent.  My stories are not nearly as good if I do not include the poor choices I have made in the process. So Mom and Dad, Grandma, my boss…I will be excluding you from seeing this. As for those of you that I share this with or the strangers that found my blog and do not know me…enjoy, judge, don’t read it, do what you want with it. I am finding, for the first time, in this very moment, I am alone and not desiring the company of another human being. I’m gonna call that progress.

Oh…and just to clarify, in case anyone is wondering…I have zero interest in dating as sport. Not dating for a quick bang.  I want to find the one. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true.  I want my heart to feel whole and I want someone who can enjoy all the aspects of my life that I hold dear to my heart but will not be discussing in this blog!

Up next…last night (and this morning lol).