D, the Douchebag

So I matched with D on Bumble. Conversations went well and I was attracted to him. I told him about my singles group on Facebook and he joined it.

Side note: I’ve made many friends from a singles group. The owner of said group didn’t let members make events and was profiting off her own events, even charging for hikes, so I decided to make my own. So I’ve been promoting my group, trying to grow it.

Anyway, D and I made plans to meet. But before the first date arrived, I asked him for a current photo.

So he sends me one and he doesn’t look like his dating profile pics. Same dude but clearly the pics from his profile are of him when he was younger. So as kindly as I could, I asked him how old his profile pics are. I assured him he still looks handsome in the now pics.

It offended him. He claims the pics weren’t old and told me I was very rude for saying that.

At first, I apologized. Maybe it’s just the beard or the angle (even though he was clearly fatter too). I told him I’m probably extra sensitive to it because men do that a lot.

But he continued to lecture me on how I should never have even said that to him. That I should have just waited until I saw him in person.

The lecturing continued. And continued. And continued…so now I’m getting concerned because he’s taking this way too personal.

Meanwhile, I’m sending screenshots of the convo to a group chat of girlfriends I’m in asking if they thought i was wrong in saying that. Every one of them agreed he looked way different in the new pic and that he was being way too hard on me for it.

I told him I was concerned about how this conversation is turning. He asked me how so. I said “Honestly, I think I need some time to process all of this before I can answer that. I’m going into a bar to meet a friend for a beer. I’ll text you when I’m done.”

He said ok.

Not even 5 minutes later, he sends me a NASTY text. He told me I look fat in some of my Facebook pics which he assumed meant I’m fatter now (I’m skinnier now actually, not that it matters cause Facebook is not my dating profile, dick). We weren’t Facebook friends. Only my profile pics were even public. He said I need a serious lesson on hypocrisy and how to treat people.

I kid you not, he sent message after message. Insult after insult. I may have offended him on accident but he was maliciously attacking me just to make me feel bad.

When I called him out on that, he said he was just trying to give me a taste of my own medicine. This guy seemed to think it was his job to teach me a lesson. The only lesson I learned here is that a little blunt honesty may just be the filter I need to weed out these fragile ego narcissists lol.

What’s weird is when he noticed I was about to cut him off, he started back peddling and telling me he actually loves my body and thinks I’m super sexy and he even had the nerve to say he jacked off twice to my photos! I didn’t even send him any nudes or anything. He was apparently jacking off to my regular ass photos lol. So weird.

So when I left the bar, I sent him a short response saying “You exhibited behaviors tonight that I never want to experience again. Take care.” And I blocked him.

THEN he sends me ANOTHER nasty message from some other random phone number. I ignored and blocked that one too.

Then he DMs me on Facebook. Message after message. The guy was going off.

I didn’t want to block him cause I knew he was in the Facebook group and wanted to see his activity. If he pulled anything in the group, I’d remove him but I didn’t want to kick someone out just cause of my own conflict with him out of the group. So I didn’t.

Well, I was hosting a gathering in my own town at a lounge last Friday. Just a small group going. And guess who RSVPed to it?? Yep, D the Douchebag.

He also made a comment on someone else’s post in the group that demonstrated he was still bitter. Someone posted “Why do guys ghost?” And he commented “Idk the answer. But I also wonder why a girl would be rude and then just block you so you can’t respond!”

Now remember my friends saw my entire text convo with him so they knew the back story.

Well you know my girls got my back so like 3 of them got on there saying a girl wouldn’t block for no reason, what did you do?” Haha eventually one of the girls told him they saw the whole thread and asked why he would rsvp to an event hosted by a girl that was rude and blocked him? He got rude to them too so I removed him from the group!

But geez, I didn’t know if he was gonna show up or not! Did I need to be worried about my safety? Was he gonna show up and start shit? He already knew the location and time. It’s a public place so I couldn’t stop him from coming.

So I asked my friend, who was coming and happens to have 19 years of king fu, to pick me up. He took his job of protecting me very seriously. So sweet!

But the good news is, the douchebag never showed up! And he’s out of the group so he can’t see anymore events so hopefully he’s gone forever.

Whew! And they say women are fragile and sensitive? I call bullshit. Some guys have ZERO control of their emotions. It’s exhausting.

They make me miss C. The emotional intelligence is just so rare. But at least C has reminded me it does exist in some men. So I will keep looking. My grow old with guy is out there somewhere 🙂

The Dragon Boater

Ok so I’ve been doing some swiping lately. And it really hasn’t landed me anywhere good yet. But it has gotten me a couple good stories!

I started chatting with F. He seemed very kind and thoughtful. He had a degree in cognitive science which I found to be fascinating. We had some good intellectual discussions very early on and I was here for it so we went on a date.

We went axe throwing and had a great time. His chivalry game was on point! But I just didn’t feel a spark. I decided to give him a second chance though because he seemed to be checking all the right boxes.

He invited me to join him for some dragon boat racing with a group. I had never heard of it but I am always down for a random adventure like that so why not? If you don’t know, it’s pretty much 10 rows of 2 people paddling as fast as they can.

Well boy did I get myself into something there. One of the hardest workouts I’ve ever had! You can’t stop when you are tired cause everyone is paddling in sync and there were moments I thought I might die.

But I didn’t. And in the end, I was thinking what a great way to get some exercise! The team was recruiting new paddlers so I told them I’d come to a few more practices to see if it’s something I want to continue.

Meanwhile, I still didn’t feel sparks with F. So on the drive home, I let him know. He took it pretty well and said we can be friends if I want to keep dragon boating. So I agreed!

So, for the next couple weeks, F and I built a friendship. He would invite me out even when not boating and he always took very good care of me. He really went out of his way to do thoughtful things for me. It felt like love bombing, which should have been my first clue he would eventually turn lol

One day, we were talking on the phone and somehow the topic of sexism came up. He actually said it’s women’s fault if there’s any sexism left because women have mostly been the primary caretakers raising our children.

I disagreed. And I won’t go into the argument but ultimately what started as a healthy debate turned into him becoming extremely condescending. He actually said his education made his perspective more valuable than mine.

THEN he had the nerve to say it’s black peoples fault there is still racism. So at this point, I’m getting heated but I’m trying to calmly debate in a healthy manner that focuses on logic but he was not able to listen. Just belittle. Devalue what I say.

So I told him his education will not broaden his narrow privileged lens and that I don’t care to have someone like that in my life. He got really nasty, throwing insult after insult at me and I blocked him.

I don’t think he was use to being challenged by a woman the way I did. I don’t think he was use to women schooling him in a debate. I bruised his ego big time and he turned straight to putting me down to try to make himself feel better.

And I just have zero tolerance for that these days. Bye Felicia!

So that’s the first fragile ego I bruised this month! I have another story for you next!

Single Pringle

Well…it’s been almost 3 weeks since C and I broke up. I am feeling good. At peace.

Typical me would be dating like crazy already just to fill the alone time. But whenever I go on the dating app, I feel disinterested.

Nobody looks like anyone I want to get to know. I only swipe for a couple minutes before I’m over it and doing something else. The few guys I have started chatting with I have no desire to be texting. Idk. It’s weird. I’m a bit disconnected. It’s like I just started doing it again because it’s what I’ve always done but I’m not enjoying it like I did before.

I’m having a hard time identifying why that is. Maybe because this time, I’m not heartbroken. I don’t need men to distract me. Or maybe because this time, I just don’t want anything but the best and I’m willing to take my time and wait for it to come along. I don’t really want any FWBs to fill the space.

(Omg I never thought I’d hear my single self say that 😂)

I’ve had a taste of what it’s like being with an emotionally intelligent man now! I’m just not wanting to interact with anything less than.

That probably sounds holier than thou but I don’t feel that way about friends or anyone else. I love all different types of people. But my partner. He’s gotta be different. He’s gotta be able to communicate like a champ. No anger issues. No fragile ego. No mental illness. Not once in 7 months did C and I fight. It was so easy to just talk through our problems.

I always knew I had it in me.

And now that I see there are men that can do it too, I feel hopeful. Even determined.

Determined to get it right this time. Which could be another “why.” Maybe I’m so determined to get it right that I’m hesitant to start in the first place lol

Who knows. I’m just gonna go with it. Got big things happening in my career anyway so if it takes a while, I’m ok with it!

Hopefully I have some fun dates for ya’ll soon. Until then, love to you all.

5 Day Countdown to Goodbye

Shortly after I wrote my last blog post, I told C I was starting to feel ready for something more serious. And since it can’t be him, I thought it was time to set him free a little earlier than planned.

This weekend will be our last weekend as a couple. It’s also his birthday so we are going to do something special.

Last weekend was very emotional. We thought we had until the end of September. That was the plan. But we remembered that the last week of September, C will be on a backpacking trip with some guys so we had a moment of realization on Saturday that we only have one more weekend together. We both cried!

We decided to finish off September enjoying some of the BDSM stuff that we learned together in the last 6 months. So we finally put the ceiling bolts up that I bought months ago for more rope play and then we went to a sex shop and bought a swing!!!

Look closely! The ropes are on pulleys and do you see the flogger?!

Between the new toys and the sentiment of knowing we don’t have much time left together, holy fuck was my sex drive back up. It was an amazing weekend of play, bike rides, tears and a lot of extra tight snuggles.

So many mixed emotions. I feel ready. It’s time to move on to the next chapter and since C can’t come with me, I have to let him go.

But I also know how much I am going to miss him. I use to tell him that I’ve always been the rock in all my relationships. I’ve always been the glue that holds everything together and that it sure would be nice to have a partner that can do that for me sometimes.

Well C was without question a rock for me. During times of distress or conflict, he was always right there giving me the support I needed and wanted. Listening, asking questions, gently running his fingers through my hair (my favorite!). Even when I was expressing a concern about us, he stayed in it with me.

Not once in 6 months did he yell at me, belittle me, control me, call me names or gaslight me. And when he made a mistake, he admitted it and apologized and we could talk about it like mature adults on the same team. He amazed me every single day.

Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect. There were things! But it was never anything we couldn’t work through together beautifully.

I’m scared I won’t be able to find that again.

Am I going to feel lonely and start dating right away or can I find contentment in just enjoying family and friends for a while? It makes me nervous to think about it and I just don’t know how I’m gonna feel in a couple weeks.

For now, I’m just going to be present and enjoy the last few days I have with C ❤️

Undecided…

Well…I have been thinking about breaking up with C.

If you’ve read my other blog posts, you know that C wants kids and I’m done having kids so we always knew we would just be temporary.

It’s been 6 months and we are in a fully committed relationship. We decided months ago to just go all in but have always discussed ending it in January. Well…at one point it was August but we later switched it to Jan lol

The last month or two, I’ve noticed my sex drive decline a lot. I know it is normal for sex drive to decline as the honeymoon phase fades but I think it’s more than that.

I still adore C and I love spending time with him. I love cuddling with him and having deep conversations and doing fun things together. But I’m finding myself less and less attracted to him. I’m losing feelings.

Which on one end totally sucks because this relationship is precious and it’s making me a better person. The way we can talk through conflict and share our feelings with each other without any toxic reactions has truly been a blessing. We are a team. It’s not him vs. me during conflict. It’s him and I vs. the problem. It just feels so healthy. He is setting my bar higher!

But on the other end, maybe this is easier than being madly in love and having to deal with huge heartbreak in January. Maybe my mind is mentally preparing myself for the inevitable.

But am I ready to end this? I still really really care about C. I will miss him without question.

Have you ever not been sure if your feelings for someone are friend or lover? I feel like the line is getting really blurred and something is stopping me from being able to decide what I want here.

It’s confusing. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so unsure about how I feel about someone.

I still have so much love for him but simultaneously, I am feeling myself drifting.

When I met C, I had only been separated from my ex for like 6 months. I wasn’t ready for another serious relationship so this temporary thing seemed like just what the doctor ordered.

But now it’s been a year since my divorce and I’m starting to want a life partner again. Someone to live with, someone to spend my evenings with. C will never be that guy and by staying with him, it just delays the slow and steady process needed to find my eventual “grow old with” guy.

No, I won’t be rushing that. I am going to take my time, probably just be single and date causally for a little while. But once I am ready to start dating more intentionally, in the hopes of finding the man I can finally grow old with, I am going to be picky.

I’m going to do it right this time. I will not be ignoring red flags or settling for a man that has issues just because I’m crazy about him. I’m going to be methodical and patient in my search.

If a man isn’t able to manage conflict and communicate with me in a healthy manner, I will not stay. I promise that to myself.

I also need him to be extroverted enough to enjoy an active and social lifestyle with me. That’s one of those compatibility issues that just causes too much resentment when one has to sacrifice too much in the other direction.

Those 2 things are the bare minimum. I have so much more on my list, and ideally many of them will be part of the equation but honestly, as long as we can talk about it and resolve any conflict without treating each other like shit, all the other stuff can be sorted out. I truly believe that.

So I’m finding myself fantasizing about my future “grow old with” guy. I’m 41 years old now and I believe I finally have the skills to choose a partner I can settle happily into old age with.

So I’m getting excited about that next chapter. Which may be part of why I feel like I am losing feelings for C.

But when? Should I give C a little more time and enjoy what we have for a little longer? How long?

And when I do end it, should I rip the bandaid entirely or can we stay in each other’s lives but just start dating others?

I don’t think I’m ready to decide yet…

Doctor/Patient Role Play

Ok ya’ll! Sorry my posts have been so serious. Here’s a fun one!

C and I have been dating for 5 or 6 months now. It’s getting very comfortable but we still absolutely adore each other. It’s healthy. We don’t fight. Any conflict that has come up, we’ve been able to talk through like a team. and that is such a breath of fresh air.

Our sex life is good but I have definitely noticed a decline in sex drive. So we decided to spice things up and do a role play!

Doctor C was a gynecologist and I was due for my physical.

I knocked and he let me in. He led me to the bed and told me to undress and lay down, which I did.

When he returned, he began my examination. Starting with my shoulders and working his way down, he rubbed my entire body searching for any abnormalities. Wow, he has magical hands!

He found his way to my breasts where he did a very thorough search for bumps, making me feel sooo good.

Meanwhile, he asked me if I had any concerns. I told him I was worried about my sex life. I told him when I had sex with my husband, I didn’t feel much and I wasn’t sure if there was something wrong with my vagina.

“Doctor, can you please check if I work down there?”

He worked his way down to my pussy and began rubbing it and examining it internally with his fingers.

“Plenty of moisture so that’s not the problem.”

“Can you feel this?” he’d say, “how’s this feel?”

“Oh fuck, doctor. That feels amazing. Why can’t my husband make me feel that way?”

He explained why sometimes women don’t feel safe enough to enjoy sex and that sometimes it’s not about whether or not your vagina functions but more about the man’s ability to give you a feeling of love and safety.

“But just to be sure we can rule out any physical abnormalities, let me try testing your clitoris.”

Goddamn, I was so fucking hot at this point. I knew it wouldn’t take much! He pulled out the vibrator and used it on my clit while his fingers went in and out of my pussy. I came hard and slow.

“Holy shit, doctor. Is this what I’ve been missing all along??”

“Yep” he said, “Your vagina seems to be functioning at full capacity.”

“But doctor, does it work without the vibrator? When my husband is inside of me, I can’t feel a thing.” I said.

“Well, if you’d like I can test out the internal functioning as well.”

“Yes please.”

He pulled his pants down and stuck his dick inside me.

“Oh yes! I think it’s working!” I was genuinely turned on as hell at this point and we made love like we hadn’t in some time! It was like we were new all over again!

And that’s the beauty of role play. It brings back those feelings you get at the beginning of a relationship when you are so fucking turned on all the time!

We definitely want to do more role playing. I think next, we want to pretend we are strangers at a bar. Can’t wait to do that one!

When do I get to find the person I’m gonna grow old with?

Ok I have a role play story to share with you but I’ll save that for my next post.

For now, some reflection.

In each chapter of my life, I loved. I threw myself into my families with loyalty and joy. I never in a million years would have imagined I would be looking back at 2 failed marriages.

I love well. Yet toxicity always found it’s way into my relationships, causing them to tumble down. I couldn’t hold them up alone forever but I did my very best. And when it was good, it was real good. So many beautiful memories.

I loved the father of my children very much and we made a beautiful family that lasted 12 years. He was abused as a child, leaving him controlling with a tempter so I eventually had to walk away but it wasn’t all bad. He had a very loving and romantic side. I adored my little family and I wanted so badly for it to work but ultimately, I had to do what was best for all of us.

Years after my divorce, I had a move in boyfriend. I loved him too. He had two boys the same ages as my two. The oldest had a rare form of autism and quickly found his way into all of our hearts. Our youngests were the same age and got along like besties! This boyfriend had a big heart but he was an addict so we only lasted two years. It just got worst and worst until I eventually had to walk away from this one too. But man, my kids and I have many great memories from that chapter as well!

A couple years passed before I fell madly in love with CJ, whom I married 2 1/2 years after our first date. He had 3 kids similar ages to mine and they all had so much fun together. CJ and I had a lot in common and we had a wonderful relationship most of the time. He made me laugh so much. I truly thought he was the one. We planned a big dream to travel the world and help the poor.

But over time, he became more and more reactive. His inability to manage stress and conflict became very problematic and unhealthy. Yelling, gas lighting, name calling, threatening divorce any time he lost his temper, leaving and not returning for 2 days, threatening suicide…

The gaps of time between incidents were so big at first, that I thought it was worth the good. He had so much right. But as his mental health declined, I told him we needed marriage counseling. He told me he would rather get a divorce. And I pretty much never heard from him again. Just his lawyer.

He ripped my heart in two. I felt fooled and betrayed at the deepest level. I was devastated.

But with time, I started seeing through a much clearer lens. I realized how much he took advantage of me and my children and just how mentally ill he really was.

I realized I have a pattern of falling in love with emotionally unstable men and worked with a therapist to understand why.

After a second failed marriage, I was determined to focus on personal growth and gain any skills I can to help me manage relationships in a healthy way. If there was anything I could do better, I was going to find it.

I have been reading books and attending seminars. I wanted to just work on me for a while. And I’m so glad I did!

I’ve got a boyfriend now that also values healthy communication skills so I am getting in lots of practice! He is grounded and has excellent control of his emotions. He wants to start a family though and my kids are grown. I do not want anymore children and we both respect each other’s stance on that. We can’t be together long term.

But he’s good for me right now. It’s too soon for me to get serious yet anyway. I want to wait until my son leaves for college before bringing anymore men around.

But eventually I will want to have a partner again. C and I are enjoying each other a little longer but we both agree it should end in a few months. He will make a very good daddy someday and his future wife will be lucky to have him!

But she gotta be ok with him gaming at least 2 nights a week and spending a good amount of his time in a mens group that she can’t participate in. 3-4 nights a week, she will have to be ok with doing her own thing and going to bed alone. It’s perfect for my current situation but someday, I will want to spend most evenings with my partner.

C is rational and thoughtful and he makes me feel validated and heard. He has renewed my hope that there are men that can control their emotions. He is raising my bar for relationship standards. He may only be a season but he is a season that has made me better, wiser and stronger.

Anyway, the point of this post is this. I have truly loved and I have been loved. I do wish I had found my “grow old with” guy a little earlier so I could have demonstrated healthy love to my children before they were grown. But other than that, I have lived a full life with beautiful ups, heartbreaking downs and wisdom gained from it all.

I do not regret the love each and every one of those families of mine were filled with. I don’t regret the lessons I learned. And I don’t regret how much wider my lens became with every chapter.

But I do look forward to finding my “rest of my life” guy. I miss having someone to spend the in between time with. Someone to relax at the end of the day with. Someone to wake up and have coffee with. A life partner! I miss that.

And I am tired of the men I love so dearly being so emotionally volatile. I’m tired of putting my entire heart and soul into building a beautiful family just to have it all come crashing down on me. I want someone that makes me feel safe and secure. Someone that can handle the ups and downs of life. I don’t want to be the only rock anymore.

In January, my nest will officially be empty.

I think I’ll be ready to try again. To find a partner that understands when conflict arises, that it’s him and I vs. the problem. Not him vs. I.

I know some of you think I’m crazy. She should just be alone, right? Why would she risk putting herself through another failed relationship?

Because love is worth it. To love and lose is better than to never love. I know there is someone out there that’s right for me. Call me a hopeless romantic but I will never lose faith in that.

And until then, I’m gonna have a great time with my friends and family and keep on growing myself, my business and living my best life because one thing I do well is LIVE ❤️

Continuing with Temporary Love

Wow. It’s been almost a month since I last blogged. Not much has changed in the dating department.

C and I are just enjoying being together. Crazy to think it’s already been almost 3 months since we started dating.

The sex has slowed down to only once a day instead of twice a day. Still great sex but maybe a little less exciting and becoming a little more…habitual. We talked about doing another role play soon. That should spice things up so I look forward to that!

As we climb out of the clouds and learn more and more about each other’s flaws and quirks, one thing I’m just so impressed by is our ability to face any conflict together with maturity and free of any toxic behaviors. There have been moments where had it been any of my ex’s, it would have turned into an argument. But C gets it. He understands exactly what I’ve been trying to accomplish with all my exes to no avail. Healthy communication.

THIS is C’s purpose in my life. He’s raising the bar. He’s assuring me that yes, there are men out there that can do this. He’s getting me use to being treated with respect. He’s helping me train my brain to expect emotional intelligence from my partner. And for this, I will forever be grateful. When it’s time to say goodbye to C and find the man I’m going to grow old with, I will not settle for anything less. Because this is what I will be use to.

For those that aren’t caught up, C is only 31 (I’m 41) and he still wants to find a wife he can have children with. And he should because he is going to make an incredible father someday! My youngest just turned 18 and I’m done having children so him and I can’t be together forever.

But we’ve decided to enjoy each other for a while before we say goodbye. We are both just really grateful to have an emotionally intelligent partner that appreciates personal growth as much the other so we are just soaking it up. We could talk for hours about human behavior and the psychology of relationships. Both equally fascinated by it!

Regardless, there are a few things about him that are starting to show.

For one, he can smell sometimes. And it turns me off. I think this is part of the reason my sex drive is going down.

Also, he’s a gamer. He’s a night owl and sleeps in hours later than me. This hasn’t really impacted our relationship yet because when I’m with him, he doesn’t play and we go to bed together. Despite that though, I still wake up 2-3 hours before him. If we lived together and he was gaming instead of being in bed with me at night, this would likely be a problem.

I’m such a morning person. I’m in the best mood and every stretch and every cuddle just feels sooo fucking good. My senses are just EXTRA which is why I love morning sex. It’s my favorite time to have sex! And most guys have morning wood which is a big turn on. But not C. He’s too sleepy when he first wakes up. It takes him like an hour to even open his eyes after he wakes. Eventually he does wake up enough to want sex but it’s a slow process getting there and I likely already spent the last couple hours feeling neglected. Haha ok that’s a strong word. Not neglected but just wishing he would wake up.

I probably need to get better at finding other things to do! Sometimes I read, sometimes I just go on social media. But ultimately, I’m waiting for him to wake up.

So yea…I hope my future partner is a morning person.

The other thing I notice about C is that sometimes, in a group setting, he can be a little…hmm what’s the word? Not awkward but just he will sometimes say or do things that he doesn’t realize won’t be well received. It can almost be condescending even. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time he’s great in social settings. But every now and then, I find myself feeling a little bit embarrassed for him.

Last week I actually called him out on it. In the nicest possible way of course but it was something that bothered me for 2 days and I thought, you know what? C is all about personal growth. Maybe he’d want to know this. Here’s what happened.

We had a get together with our group of friends for a birthday. Our friend, T, and her 18 yr old daughter, K, were talking about how much they like crime tv. And C jumps in and says he doesn’t like it because it’s nothing but drama. After them saying it’s real life, real people, he said “maybe a better word is cheap.”

I just thought ‘Wow that’s so rude to insult what someone just said they like!”

I kept thinking about it. At one point, it came up in conversation, and I jokingly said “Omg you called it cheap, you meanie haha.” I tried to make light of it but still had an urge to say something. Clearly this was bothering me so I decided I better say something so I don’t let it slip out in non constructive ways like that anymore. I should have done it in person but none the less, glad I spoke up.

Here’s how that went:

Now that is the kind of communication I desire in a partner! Any of my exes would have found something wrong with me and pointed that out instead of analyzing themselves. This is what I mean by emotional intelligence ya’ll!

We’ve had a few conflicts so far and all of them were discussed and worked out in a mature manner. Like we are both on the same fucking team. And it sure feels good!

So for now, I’m just living the girlfriend life. No crazy dates. But I will be back with some role playing stories soon! C and I are going camping for 5 nights coming up June 5-10 and I think we are going to incorporate some role play one of the days we are there!

I can’t wait to just unplug and be with C. I’ve been very focused on my family this month which has been a blessing in its own right. My parents have been in town and my son is about to graduate! So we’ve been spending a lot of time doing family things. Plus it’s the busiest time of year for me at work so I’ve been swamped. So C and I have only been together a couple times a week the last few weeks. I do miss him.

Anyway, sorry for the long blog. And not much juicey stuff. Just real life shit! If you actually made it to the end of this, let me know. I see your “likes” but never hear from you. Leave a comment! I give you permission to analyze my life! 😂

It’s Complicated

So ya’ll know C and I have gotten more serious than we intended. Ya’ll know we were not gonna be exclusive. That he desperately wants to have children and I’m done with that chapter. Which is a dealbreaker. We will never be together long term.

But then he told me he loved me and everything changed. We naturally started spending all our time together and I stopped dating. I assumed we were exclusive. At least for now. Temporary love I called it. And I never asked him if he stopped dating as well but I made the assumption.

Well 2 weekends ago, while in his car, his mom and stepdad called. They were on speakerphone when his stepdad said “So are you spending all weekend with Linda or did you squeeze in a date with the lawyer?”

My heart dropped. He didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t outside our original arrangement. But we were so fucking love drunk that I just didn’t think he was talking to anyone else.

He said he wasn’t searching. A matchmaker he paid for before ever meeting me contacted him and said they had a good match for him. And she was the only one he’s seen since me. They had been on two dates.

So we talked about it. For hours. I cried in his arms. I told him I understand but I just didn’t think it would happen YET. He said his heart doesn’t want to date but he’s afraid he will fall so hard for me, he’ll give us his search and never become a dad. I understood.

I told him I was going to reopen my gates. I will start dating again. Which he logically understood but he also hated how that made him feel. He felt like his gates being open meant rare encounters that almost always failed where as my gates open meant all sorts of dudes be slipping in my DMs.

Which is true. When I hop on Tinder, I have as many distractions as I desire. And there’s a good chance I will connect with someone else. C has been dating and single for 3 years with very little success. He said he only slept with two women in his 3 single years before me.

Well…that’s your choice, sir. You made this bed and now you gotta sleep in it. I’m not gonna give you all my heart if you aren’t giving me all of yours.

The next day, he was anxious and sad. He was afraid he was going to lose me and started suggesting we should just be exclusive.

We agreed to think about it for a few days and ultimately decided to date others. The battle of mind vs. heart. Our minds won.

This made us extra clingy. We literally spent every night Tuesday-Sunday together last week (my son was at his dads). He practically moved in. It’s like we were hanging on to each other for as long as we could because we knew things were about to change.

Well…Sunday being our first day not together, we both had dates set up. This was his third date with lawyer girl and I had a first date to do some beer tasting with a guy from Tinder.

The date was fine. He was a nice guy. But I wasn’t super into him and my heart wasn’t really there.

After it ended, I drove home feeling sad. I listened to sappy music during the drive home and just wished I could be with C.

That evening C called me. He said he didn’t enjoy his date and that he felt really sad after it. He said he even shed a couple tears.

Neither of us even wanted to date. We were doing it out of obligation. And that just sucks.

So once again we are contemplating exclusivity. We will decide tonight! I know I can’t trap his heart forever. I want him to be a dad. But my heart is telling me to give this a few months. Just bask in it for a while. But eventually, I have to set him free…

For those of you that read my blog, I would love to hear your thoughts. I see your likes but you never talk to me. What do you think about my predicament??

Monterey, Rope Play, Role Play and my Birthday

Last Sunday morning, C and I woke up and headed out to Monterey. We stayed at a beachfront hotel until Wednesday evening.

We went to the aquarium, spent time on the beach, visited the beautiful Carmel and on Tuesday, we did our role play thing! Every moment was romantic and fun and everything right. Mmmmm.

Monday night, on a whim, C pulled out the ropes, blindfolded me and tied me up! The spontaneity made it very exciting. My wrists were tied to the corners of the headboard and then he tied my knees to the other end of the same rope. So when I pulled my wrists, it pulled my knees up and apart. He then played with me for a while, rubbing on my body and teasing me before eventually fucking me good.

And get this…after it was over, C said “I have many questions but first and foremost is did you feel cared for?” He said he realized while doing it all that having that much control also gives him a great responsibility to take care of me.

Yes, he absolutely made me feel cared for. From the tenderness of his rope use to the way he would check in with me and the way he made me feel good while I was tied up instead of abusing me. It was beautiful.

Tuesday was role play day and this turned me on so much more than I could have expected!

He had to work remote on Tuesday so I waited until his last couple hours to get into my sexy secretary outfit.

If you didn’t read the previous post about this, I’ll quickly summarize the scene. C is a business man. His partner made a mistake and so he told him he could pay for his mistake by letting his wife be C’s secretary. That’s me. We had to go on a business trip because C had a big presentation. The presentation went very well and the scene begins after it ended as we decide to go out for a celebratory drink.

So as C is finishing up his real life work, I came out in my sexy outfit. He literally dropped to the floor when he saw me. I brought him a drink and made him a dinner reservation. I actually did this and told the lady on the phone that I needed to make a reservation for my boss when in reality it was for him and I for later lol.

Ok so he finishes work and we go down to the hotel bar. I did my best to cover up my outfit with a jacket but my thigh highs were showing underneath. I was a little nervous but fuck it, I’ll never see those people again so who cares right??

So we sit down in the bar and were in full character. C starts thanking me for all my hard work on the project and saying he couldn’t have done it without me. I told him what an amazing job he did. We flirted and agreed we are such a good team. I’d occasionally let my foot drift over to his leg. He brushed my bangs out of my eyes and told me how beautiful I am. I reminded him that we need to behave. You could feel the tension. We wanted each other bad but I was a married woman and we knew we shouldn’t give in to the temptation.

You guys…this was so fucking hot. It felt so real. Like we were really flirting and resisting each other!

He invited me up to his room to continue the celebration with wine. I sat on the bed and he in a chair as we continued to chat and flirt. He eventually moved to the bed close to me. I scooted away from him and told him we better keep some space between us.

Now we were both starting to get drunk. He turned on some music and asked me to dance with him. So we literally danced in the hotel just the two of us. He would pull me close and I’d pull back. Meanwhile, dancing very sexy as if I want him so bad.

After a couple hours of resisting him, I eventually gave in and we made love. It was PASSIONATE AS FUCK.

We were both so fucking turned on!! The resistance made us both so horny! I think I’m sold on role play now.

Then we went to dinner and we were all over each other. Idk how to explain it. We were just so hot for each other.

Wednesday, we had to go home but neither of us wanted to. We decided to stay at the beach while he worked remote and go home after he gets off for the day.

Towards the end of the day, he said “I want to go see a movie tonight. Like specifically with you.” We just spent 4 days together and he wasn’t sick of me. He wasn’t ready to let me go yet. And I was feeling the same way. So despite me having to get up at 3am to catch a flight to LA with my son, we went to a movie at 8:30pm. We milked every last second we could before I left for LA.

I then spent two days with my son looking at colleges. I won’t go into details on this trip since this is a dating blog but I really enjoyed the quality time I got with my son!

I flew back in on my birthday and my son went to his dads. So I went to C’s place. He wanted to take me out for my birthday on Saturday before spending the evening with our friends at a comedy club and dancing.

Should I make Saturday a separate post? Nah. I’ll just try to keep it short!

C took me on a sailboat! We had some perfect Bay Area weather and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I love that he’s not afraid of a little PDA! We also had lunch at a famous sourdough spot on Pier 39 and walked around. We then went to a park and just rested and made out until it was time for the comedy show with our friends.

That was a lot of fun! Our group had 18 people in a big chunk of the reserved seats in the front! We all laughed our asses off and then we went out dancing nearby afterwards.

Holy shit, we danced our asses off. What a fun night! Then we came back to C’s place and had some HOT fucking drunk sex. He even got road head on the way home and he said he’s never had that before!

Yesterday was Sunday and the end of my spring break/birthday week. We went to the farmers market, our for pizza and watched a movie before he eventually had to take me home. While having pizza, we discussed future role play ideas. I’m excited to see what the next adventure will be!

I’m still GLOWING from what an amazing week it was. From the hot fucking romance to quality time with my 17 year old son to a kickass time with friends, I literally can’t ask for anything else. My love bucket is FULL!

I am truly truly truly blessed ❤️